hello, it's been so long

easy creative writing assignments are best left undone. or postponed. my abandoned and unfollowed blog will be a good warm up.
lately my life has revolved around my anxious habit of ripping savagely at my thumbs' cuticles, making hangnails. and then ripping savagely at the hangnails. it's ruining my life.
my writing has been sucking which makes me anxious because i have expectations of myself to live up to, since thinking about college makes me really anxious. i think i may be on the cusp of a nervous episode because i'm always so calm and i never cry. there's some stuff building up. i feel it, do you feel it? can you read me? my energy is being put into the wrong things but people are telling me it's right so i forget who to trust. choosing between myself and the people that want to shape me is sometimes hard. but it shouldn't be, should it?
hangnails and cuticles.
i miss my best friend, she has a boyfriend that loves her and she loves him but i think he loves other things that shouldn't be involved. i don't want her to get into trouble and i know that he might lead her into it.
i miss my best friend.
she hasn't called me back in well over a month and i miss talking to her about things that we can't stand talking about but we think it's all so funny because life was so funny and it's fun that i should have held onto because now it's gone and there's no more fun because the fun's not allowed.
i miss my best friend so much i haven't seen her, i wonder if she will adapt his pseudo-intelligence that only tells people to compliment it and make it more pseudo-powerful. i'm not afraid of it and maybe that's why she has lost her trust in me.
hangnails and cuticles.

election day

i like my bike because it makes me feel solid

petting kitties produces static electricity in my vital organs

i'm afraid of peeling adhesive backing off of stickers, because i feel like they are forever, and once i stick them somewhere, i can never use them in another place. that feeling is overwhelming.

my life is a meatgrinder and that is why i never want to get out of bed

i have bones in my bones in my bones

planners are useful for time management it seems

only I can claim that Stonewall Jackson was a feminist, without being questioned.

one day i will turn off my toes

fat bitch

why is it that if you're fat, people usually only mention that you're fat if you're mean?
like if you have a fat friend and they're nice, you're (usually) not going to say "oh, my fat friend..." You want to be nice about it and not be down on their weight.

but if they're mean, it's not uncommon to refer to them as "that fat bitch"

just sayin'

i have ceased living

routine.
routine.
routine.
routine.

alarm goes off at 6:15am
press snooze 3 times, get up at 6:30.

stagger to the shower.
step out at 6:40.

put on clothes while eating some bland breakfast food
i.e. kashi cereal
plain bagel
toast
(they're all i have. i never complain)
finish at 7:00

pack for the day
scrounge for lunch money or whatever
wait for Geneva
walk to school at 7:20am

7:45am-1:05pm
fall asleep successfully in every class during the school day
think about how much i want a cigarette
think about how much i want to die at the moment
think about what i'm going to eat when i get home
think about everything but what i'm supposed to...

1:30pm
come home
smoke
eat
do homework
smoke

3:15pm
sit quietly
go on the computer

6:00pm
study
eat dinner
study or write

11:00pm
go to sleep

lions and tigers

the first additions to my new walls. thank you, dollartree!
i call my walls new because i took down everything that previously adorned them.
my dad is mad that i took down john lennon. fck jhn lnnn

so now the majority of my walls are bare
and it makes me feel alone
like i'm in a new apartment that still smells like meth fumes.

so far, this is my favorite addition to the new walls.

boo boo

today i was cutting a bagel for breakfast with a very large knife. and i sliced my finger,

"ouch"

so then i went to emergency.

and i got it repaired via medical superglue.

it is small yet very deep and i cannot feel my left pointer finger. geneva says that it won't matter if i have nerve damage in my finger because i won't need feeling for anything in particular in that area.

THANX geneva for not caring if i have permanent neurological DAMAGE

TAKE A LOOK!!!

dying dogs

i am a human being.

i do not wish to brag about the things that i can do.

i try to eat breakfast daily.

i don't want to be like you, whoever you are.

Last night I had a dream. From what I remember, it was me, Gianni, Geneva, and some random boy with blonde hair (RT?) going around other people's back yards for a zoo exhibit that we had heard of from somebody. We were looking over back fences to take a gander at all of the animals, but all I saw were dead dogs. Dead/dying/decomposing. Their skin was rotting and bloody. They were dead. 

But they weren't so dead when there came hoards of children running and screaming toward the animals, excited to play with them. We watched them commence playing with the bodies until the dogs came to life. So the dogs were zombie dogs, they still had wounds and were basically falling apart with visible bones and innards hanging here and there. But those dogs were so excited to see people. People that wanted to play with them. People that were kind and were not reluctant to interact with them, just because they were presumably "disgusting".

This dream didn't scare me, it wasn't a nightmare. But after thinking about it all day I get a little bit of insight, if I have gotten the idea that I was supposed to out of it.